24 years in these catholic church orphanages. The Good Shepherd and then
the Nazareth House nuns took the place of my family. They told me my
mother was dead. In the two orphanages life needed to meet the nun's
requirements. In part this meant that, because my mother was sinful, if I
was not beaten to change me, I would be too. So they said when they
beat me.
I find it hard to think about it because to remember it to re-live the fear and confusion - the unhappiness of being a child able only to hope that if! earned the nun's favour, I would become one of the children who the nuns cared about; who had a life which was sure to end in Heaven. Instead of being the child the nuns' found me to be - who needed to be beaten for her mother's sin and because, although there was little hope for it, that might help me to be worthy of love - eventually God's love.
I always knew it was a childhood filled with pain and confusion. I now realize the nuns who were good; were doing God's work, were also cruel, were vicious women, monsters.
I never thought that the things that I was afraid of were caused by my childhood experiences.
What sticks in my mind about the nuns is how they always told us that we were no good, all I heard every day was. "You'll never be any good, your mother never wanted you, you'll end up in the gutter like her, no one will ever want you.
It is so hard to forget that - it is there all the time. What the individual members of the two Orders did and what the senior members of the Orders allowed, was a reign of terror and fear for the helpless children.
There were some of us who were unlucky enough to be singled out as 'the chosen ones' of the priest, nuns; lay workers and the older girls of the two orders, who picked us out to sexually abuse us. The sexual abuse has scarred me for life and no amount of counselling can cure me of the pain I feel, within.
The injuries inflicted on me, were severe physical beatings; child labour; semi-starvation; cold and poor clothing; overwork; lack of education; emotional abuse; physical abuse; spiritual abuse; sexual abuse; sadistic torture; pain; suffering from carers and those trusted with our care, who we trusted - through no choice of our own, these sadistic people who hid behind the image of being saintly people in the service of God.
Corporal punishment was common in both girls and boys Catholic orphanages, the nuns in particular had exercise power over the girls for the rest of our lives.
Some of us girls had beautiful wavy hair, the nuns hated us and told us we were vain, I didn't know what vain meant. They would try to straighten our hair by wetting it and then pulling on our hair, telling us that we were ugly, I believed them and hated myself so much that all my life
I would fall to pieces at the very sight of the nuns as they would pick on the girls who did not have parents and we who were illegitimate, we got the worst of the beatings, then I would get it again because I wet my bed, I wet my bed until I was ten, I was beaten into pulp for it.
It was the beating and the fear of the nuns is why I wet my bed. I was treated like I was unwanted, something to be hidden away and to be ashamed of. I was so scared.
They would say you were telling lies, but you weren't, you couldn't say that, if the nuns said you were a liar, then you were a liar. The nuns use to make me open my mouth and put a cake of soap on my tongue, they then pushed my month shut and I had to keep it shut on the soap, my mouth would be foaming, as well as me being so sick and kept vomiting, they did not care what state I was in. It was worse than the concentration camp for children.
Some of the girls committed suicide, some are in mental hospital, some are homeless living on the streets; some are alcoholics and some are in and out of prison. The most difficult thing in life is when you are put down so much as a child, you don't have any confidence, it really does hold you back.
I was terribly nervous, I felt that I was nuisance to everyone around me, I still am doubting myself, I don't have any confidence. I think it is a kind of a fear, the same kind of fear I had as a child growing up, all those years ago.
I find it hard to think about it because to remember it to re-live the fear and confusion - the unhappiness of being a child able only to hope that if! earned the nun's favour, I would become one of the children who the nuns cared about; who had a life which was sure to end in Heaven. Instead of being the child the nuns' found me to be - who needed to be beaten for her mother's sin and because, although there was little hope for it, that might help me to be worthy of love - eventually God's love.
I always knew it was a childhood filled with pain and confusion. I now realize the nuns who were good; were doing God's work, were also cruel, were vicious women, monsters.
I never thought that the things that I was afraid of were caused by my childhood experiences.
What sticks in my mind about the nuns is how they always told us that we were no good, all I heard every day was. "You'll never be any good, your mother never wanted you, you'll end up in the gutter like her, no one will ever want you.
It is so hard to forget that - it is there all the time. What the individual members of the two Orders did and what the senior members of the Orders allowed, was a reign of terror and fear for the helpless children.
There were some of us who were unlucky enough to be singled out as 'the chosen ones' of the priest, nuns; lay workers and the older girls of the two orders, who picked us out to sexually abuse us. The sexual abuse has scarred me for life and no amount of counselling can cure me of the pain I feel, within.
The injuries inflicted on me, were severe physical beatings; child labour; semi-starvation; cold and poor clothing; overwork; lack of education; emotional abuse; physical abuse; spiritual abuse; sexual abuse; sadistic torture; pain; suffering from carers and those trusted with our care, who we trusted - through no choice of our own, these sadistic people who hid behind the image of being saintly people in the service of God.
Corporal punishment was common in both girls and boys Catholic orphanages, the nuns in particular had exercise power over the girls for the rest of our lives.
Some of us girls had beautiful wavy hair, the nuns hated us and told us we were vain, I didn't know what vain meant. They would try to straighten our hair by wetting it and then pulling on our hair, telling us that we were ugly, I believed them and hated myself so much that all my life
I would fall to pieces at the very sight of the nuns as they would pick on the girls who did not have parents and we who were illegitimate, we got the worst of the beatings, then I would get it again because I wet my bed, I wet my bed until I was ten, I was beaten into pulp for it.
It was the beating and the fear of the nuns is why I wet my bed. I was treated like I was unwanted, something to be hidden away and to be ashamed of. I was so scared.
They would say you were telling lies, but you weren't, you couldn't say that, if the nuns said you were a liar, then you were a liar. The nuns use to make me open my mouth and put a cake of soap on my tongue, they then pushed my month shut and I had to keep it shut on the soap, my mouth would be foaming, as well as me being so sick and kept vomiting, they did not care what state I was in. It was worse than the concentration camp for children.
Some of the girls committed suicide, some are in mental hospital, some are homeless living on the streets; some are alcoholics and some are in and out of prison. The most difficult thing in life is when you are put down so much as a child, you don't have any confidence, it really does hold you back.
I was terribly nervous, I felt that I was nuisance to everyone around me, I still am doubting myself, I don't have any confidence. I think it is a kind of a fear, the same kind of fear I had as a child growing up, all those years ago.
